I smell smoke...

And linger
To catch the scent of fire,
Of crackling wood, incense, and car tires,
Smoldering buildings,
Crusted meat.
They rise up tell a story,
Burning the past
To make it whole again,
if just a moment.

Sitting on the couch.
Listening for small sounds.
Scouring the the internet for no particular reason,
Eating the last of the macaroni and cheese,
And the sliced watermelon.

Is this something we can get through?

Can people change?

today, I am looking at cognitive process. NebRa is now 7 months old and I have noticed a shift from the home to the outside world. Up until now, I have been clear about the environment in which he needs to develop. I must keep a constant check of my mood and the energy I am putting out, being sure it is kept positive and nurturing, always. You realize just how vulnerable babies are to the energy and influence around them; any space they occupy must be filled with love and encouragement. I have kept things quiet and calm, limit television and radio in favour of simple songs I sing out and dance to, and gentle talk and conversation between us. It has been a world of internal exploration- understanding the body and communicating with the body; motor skills being honed. I feel as a result, NebRa has developed a strong sense of Self and an understanding of his own rhythm. His crawling has led to the exploration of everything around him, and with that comes a kind of reaching out into unknown space. That space now needs to filled with family and friends. New faces mean new lessons in communication, new boundaries to be tested, new language.

This shift to the outside has led me to neighborhood programs for babies his age. Story times at the library, games and play at the early years centre. Watching him interact with the 'new' is exhilarating. You can almost see the neurons firing and creating new pathways in his mind.

I have not written a word in quite some time, nor have I posted the writings I now have piled up from the year before. This past year, from start to finish has been all about the internal struggle as I prepared for my child to be born. For nine months I just couldn't get outside the confines of my own body- to be constantly reminded of it's parameters through pain and just plain discomfort. Now that I am a mother, I find that the challenge is trying find time to focus my energy in ways that lie outside that motherhood.

Creative output no longer seems frivolous; it has become a necessity.

I'm telling you...

there are at least a thousand things that women "forget" to tell you about being pregnant.

Ladies, once you hit month seven... the gravy train is OVER.
There is a whole world of uncomfortable that I did not, in fact could not fathom.

fast food love
throwaway cardboard container love
b-line to the golden arches of
corporate takeover love
flat tasteless salted with disappointment
eat quick
choke chew swallow
thoughtless lump
down your throat love
get it down
push it down
throw it down
fast. food. love.